Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
