I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
