my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
