My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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