K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
