im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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