cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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