I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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