how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize