i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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