U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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