The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
