Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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