Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
