Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
