Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
