Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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