dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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