she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just gargled with NyQuil
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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