so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize