mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
