I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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