Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
