Your dad touched me again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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