How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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