did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
