maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
