I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize