He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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