Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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