Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
