I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
