Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
