It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
