so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
