i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
