I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
