Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
