She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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