I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
