Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize