Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
