You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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