before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
