Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
