Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
