i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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