Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
