glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
