Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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