my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
