she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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