Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
