Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
