Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
