I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
