I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
