Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
