omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
